Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - February 2011

01/02/11  ||  Global Domination

Yngwie J. Malmsteen: Relentless

7.2/10

Lord K: Yeah. He’s back and he never fails. Even when he fails he never fails. This album’s lost a little of the impact it had on me when I heard it the first time around though, still it is the clear winner in this edition. Anything else would just be as wrong as Yngwie’s hair-do. 9

InquisitorGeneralis: The Y-man gets points for skill and consistency, but I would be lying if I told you I was really going to listen to any of this once I finished this month’s AA. Yngwie shreds, that’s for sure. But I don’t see any incredible greatness in the songs. 5

Habakuk: Sounds like “Castlevania” with guitars and Ripper Owens’ vocals… and Arpeggios From Hell! 7.

CadenZ: Yngwie is Yngwie. A slightly muffled production can’t hide that, and not even Ripper Owens and his vibrato wider than the Milky Way can ruin this record. “Relentless” doesn’t hold any of Yngwie’s greatest moments, but it’s a rock solid Malmsteen disc all the same. 7

MurderMachine (guest): Read the fucking title. 8

Desultory: Counting our scars

6.8/10

Lord K: Fact is (according to vocalist/guitarist Klas Morberg) I was the first one to ever interview this band back in the day. I guess that means we’ll always have a special bond, me and Desultory. They released a disaster called “Swallow the snake” many moons ago, an album that ended their career. Or so we thought. Desultory return with “Counting our scars”, a disc full of “let’s go back to the old days before the fuck-up with “Swallow the cum”. Desultory sound re-vitalized and definitely shit out some mighty fine deathrash with tons of melodies and a great production. Their 2 first albums might be considered classics by some. I wouldn’t go that far, but I would say that this is the best Desultory’s ever sounded. Welcome back, old farts. Now, don’t you dare to fuck things up again, you hear? 8

InquisitorGeneralis: I never really heard much of these Swedes early material, but this melodic stuff I like. The production helps my enjoyment too. Good shit. Actually, make that very good shit. 8

Habakuk: Not bad, no, really good at times, yes. But relevant? No. I, for one, have heard enough bands that sound “a bit different from At The Gates” by now. 7

CadenZ: I’m glad these guys are back, as they did some nice shit during the first half of the 90’s. This comeback effort is capable and ok, but nothing more. The best song, “Dead Ends”, is like a half-assed Unanimated track – the amount of recycled riffs on this disc is so great I’m starting to think each of those represent a scar they counted. Seems like there’s not much unspoilt skin left, then. 6

MurderMachine (guest): Some nice thrashy parts complimented by leads that are loaded with reverb end echo effects combined with melodic, generally soft scales to give them that spaced-out, heart touching feeling… Or so I thought, until they did it on the next song, and the next, and the one after, until the whole album was a repetitive ball of feces, sugar-coated by there decently talented vocalist. This album doesn’t grab me by the balls, everything seems to follow the same formula, making it hardly above average. 5

The Wretched End: Ominous

5.8/10

Lord K: This is more of a “supergroup” to me than The Damned Things. Phenom-drummer Nils Fjällström joined Samoth (you all know this guy) and some other dude in this project, and as expected from Samoth you get some high quality modern semi-brutal death/thrash. Nothing too groundbreaking (like the excellent Zyklon) but still a very solid release on all accounts. I did hope for more though. Maybe with the next one? 7

InquisitorGeneralis: This is completely uninspired death/thrash that fails to make any lasting impact on me. The production sounds like crap too. Bring back Zyklon please. 4

Habakuk: Good death-thrash with a noticeable Zyklon-influence. Unfortunately I miss the absolutely awesome-influence. 7

CadenZ: Professional, well-executed and -produced thrashy death metal, as one could expect from Samoth & co. Next time pen together catchier songs and you’re a winning team again. 7

MurderMachine (guest): I wouldn’t call this horrible, but I couldn’t make it to the end of this album, and that’s a sign of boredom, which is a sure sign of suckage. 4

Hardcore Superstar: Split your lip

4.4/10

Lord K: Party/half-glam “metal”. These Swedes do it well on all accounts. The tune “Moonshine” is a semi-hit on Swedish National Radio, and quite deservingly so. You won’t see me getting Mrs. K’s eyeliner and rock the fuck out to Hardcore Superstar any time soon though. Nonetheless, this is fine crap and the fact that vocalist Jocke Berg once asked to have my Torture Division beanie renders them an extra point or two. He didn’t get the fucken beanie though. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Hardcock Supersuck are pretty fucken terrible. I don’t get down with sleaze rock and nothing on here seems original or appealing. Sure there are hints of thrash and maybe a little punk even, but I’m not buying it. 3

Habakuk: For those who absolutely crave a Backyard Babies or whatever fix, Hardcore Superstar produce some more decent, catchy rock. As if there weren’t enough of it in this month’s edition. 5.

CadenZ: Party rock/metal of the sleaze/glam kind. Though there are many much worse bands out there, HS will never be the new G’n‘R. I’d imagine this works a few thousand per cent better in a live setting. 5

MurderMachine (guest): I was never into Mötley Crüe. Then again, I was never into shit. And the fact that this shit is polluting Sweden’s righteously clean underpants does not earn them any points either… 2

Exciter: Death machine

3.6/10

Lord K: It has to be said: they didn’t do it in the past and they certainly as fuck don’t do it now. Do what? Excite anyone, that’s what. Boo-ya! The first time I heard the tune “Power and domination” I pretended the vocalist was heavily drunk and actually sang “Asshole domination”. I laughed. I laugh at the music too, for all the wrong reasons. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: These guys play awful fast for being from a country known for being laid back, frozen stiff, and covered in sap. But, Canada has produced some insane technical death metal bands over the years so I am not too shocked. This is speed metal. You either like speed metal or you don’t. I really don’t. The band is not bad, but the vocals suck. 4

Habakuk: This is so run of the mill, their name just left the band and sued them. And the production is beyond shit. You really have to worship “Violence and force” to dig this. 4.

CadenZ: Old school no-nonsense thrash. The atmosphere is intact from a few decades back, but the songs don’t get my boner going all too much and the vocalist definitely needs some getting used to, or kicking in the mouth. 6

MurderMachine (guest): Nothing good can come out of this. Not even if you injected yourself with a liter of heroin, consumed an entire acid-soaked textbook of blotting paper, and obliterated yourself with Igor the Conqueror. 2

Tankard: Vollume 14

3.6/10

Lord K: I shared a bus to the airport with one of the members from Tankard a hundred years ago. I was not impressed. The joke wore itself out around “The morning after” (1988). 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Decent thrash done by a band seemingly has been around since the age of Bismarck. Not bad stuff here, but there is a reason that Tankard is not mentioned in the same league as fellow countrymen like Sodom, Kreator, and Destruction. 5

Habakuk: Is there any thrash band that still gets decent production jobs? Toothless guitars, drums that sound unnatural and choppy as fuck, and a generally lifeless feel ruin the otherwise decent thrash attempts. 5

CadenZ: These drunkards boozed away their last brain cells decades ago, thus halting the degradation process of their music at a level most sane people would stay the fuck away from. This fact brings us to the conclusion that most Teutonic metalheads are not sane. 3

MurderMachine (guest): If you want to walk with the big dogs, you must piss in the tall grass. These are not big dogs, and unfortunately for us, these fuckers piss in our ears. 2

TNT: A farewell to arms

3.4/10

Lord K: These Norwegians released some fantastic albums in the past (2 of them to be precise). The number of those achievements will stay at 2. Still, it pisses on Ektomorf. Must. Kill. Ektomorf. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: The 80’s are dead. Someone needs to tell TNT. What is up with all of the shitty rock this month? 3

Habakuk: Hard-to-enjoy rock. Starts with a “u” and ends with a “nnecesary”. The shit vocals absolutely kill this. 3

CadenZ: The coolest thing about Norway’s TNT is that their bassist was in both Khold and Tulus, plus he shares his name with one of the greatest music stand up comedians of all time. And the guitarist ain’t half bad. Wholly adequate 80’s metal/rock, but I won’t spin this again. 6

MurderMachine (guest): A stick of dynamite for sure, packed with fathomless amounts of shit. 2

Hinder: All American nightmare

3/10

Lord K: We need some American radio rock on GD. Hinder’s one of those million of bands who live off their vocalist while creating pretty fucken anonymous music for the masses. I have no problem with that. Background music serves a purpose. 6

InquisitorGeneralis: These guys really are an all-American nightmare. This type of whiney, tattooed-but-still-a-pussy rock makes me want declare Jihad on my own country. This is absolute, prefabricated, rock-radio, 100% fresh-squeezed ass juice. 1

Habakuk: Overproduced, In-one-ear-out-the-other US Corporate Rock with an Axl Rose wannabe on vocals. Made to make good Americans feel alternative. 4

CadenZ: This nightmare of an album is hindering me from listening to something of value. At least the chick on the cover has nice tits. The fact that this album isn’t bad enough to make my anus explode (like Hinder’s did when they wrote these songs) doesn’t save it from demise by Satangoat. 3

MurderMachine (guest): No. 1

The Damned Things: Ironiclast

2.8/10

Lord K: This is supposed to be some “supergroup” of sorts. Well, the only “superguy” I have heard about is Scott Ian of Anthrax fame. This could be any fucken band in the world. Foo Fighters do it better. And they kinda suck too. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Scott Ian needs to stick to Anthrax, even though they are not really any good any more, and the other douchebags in this shitty superpooper group need to go back to whatever pop-punk/rock/metal pile of excrement they came from too. This toothless hard rock is generic, derivative monkeypiss. 2

Habakuk: Heavified garage rock that sounds a bit like Volbeat with a normal singer. Good enough to keep me listening, but at some point I started playing MahJongg. I never play MahJongg. 6

CadenZ: Here’s a fucken ironiclast for ya: you suck so much, that would you try giving yourselves a blowjob, you’d be sucked into another dimension. The dimension of Suck. 2

MurderMachine (guest): Shut. The fuck. Up. 1

Ektomorf: Redemption

2.8/10

Lord K: There are many bands that I absolutely and utterly fucken despise. Ektomorf is one of them Why? You all know why. They have shamelessly stolen Sepultura’s sound down to the core and don’t even have the courtesy of admitting it. This is an embarrassment to the scene, an insult to the people who like metal, and an abomination in its purest form. Ektomorf is a fucken tragedy, all the way from the moniker to the last riff they will ever write. 1

InquisitorGeneralis: Pantera, Machine Head, and Pissing Razors are the only groove metal I really need. This record is about thirteen years too late. Sorry fellas, but if I want to listen to band try and rip-off “Roots” and “Chaos A.D.”-Sepultura, I’ll listen to Soulfly. 3

Habakuk: You have – 4 – new messages. From: Cavalera, Max. He wants back: His ethno-shtick, jumpdafuckup riffing, foreign accent and dumbed-down lyrics. Wow. Ektomorf are still the exact same Soulfly rip-off they were when I last checked: 2004

CadenZ: Caveman metal. Brain count is fucken zero while sweaty muscles convulse and bulge, uncontrollably waiting to be unleashed in yet another mindless assault. These Slipknot-wannabes’ aggression seems to be genuine though, and some breakdowns aren’t half bad. Still… cavemen. 5

MurderMachine (guest): Next on the list, Sepultura… Wait… this isn’t Sepultura… 1

My Chemical Romance: Danger days – the true lives of the fabulous killjoys

1.6/10

Lord K: They actually named a song “S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W”. On top of that, this is some fantastically shitty music. I’ll take them over Ektomorf any day though, and trust me – that fucken hurts to admit. Then again, I’d take syphilis over Ektomorf. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: While these made-up Jerseyites clearly have some musical talent, I have always thought their style of heavy, angst-ridden, pop-punk sucked a razor-blade sliced dick. And after hearing this waste of time and resources, I still do. 2

Habakuk: Give Sonic Syndicate three years and they will sound like this. 2

CadenZ: Now is the winter of our discontent. 1

MurderMachine (guest): A class-A example on how to be thrown into the heartless world of mainstream music, then swarmed by hordes of blister-throbbing, wrist-slitting-emo-vaginas, and respected by absolutely none of us. Die, faggots. 1